Oyez and Hallelujah Sinners!

Evangelicals, this is God. Thanks for all the prayers, they were forwarded through channels. You’ve been dialing the wrong number for quite awhile— but it’s gotten beyond ridiculous.

This latest test I sent to mankind you scored 100% on——wrong, ass-backward 100%.

Really, did you bother asking yourself if I’d name the second coming Donald?

I won’t get further into how obviously easy I made it, just letting you know that not since the Pharisees have such towering twats invoked my name, or for more selfish reasons.

Sorry, but henceforth Ba’al will be handling your case.