Awake from a 30-Year Coma

If I awoke from a thirty-year coma and learned that mobile telephones have free TV while actual TV is 100 bucks a month, 100 times stupider with 100 times more ads so people watch cats and genitals on their phones which they don’t use to talk on but instead type illiterate, rancorous text-bursts; that Times Square is friendlier than Disneyland and DC is farther right than Texas since the Trade Towers is the new Alamo and Muslims are the new Mexicans; that tobacco is the devil’s weed but marijuana’s a modern medical miracle; that Mick Jagger got a knighthood but the first elected black President forced the Supreme Court to mandate corporate appointment for all future Presidents, that science isn’t legitimate but sponsored pitchmen are and so is gay marriage and since KGB spying is 100% American, Russia is where we correctly exiled the leak; that a national health program that threatens the profits of genocidal insurers forced career politicians into such frenzies they filibustered themselves—if I woke up and saw all that, I’d say, “So Mitch McConnell must be the Senate Majority Leader, right?”