Porn Aversion Therapy
(Caution: aggravates symptoms for the over-60 set)
Reality Isn’t If Untelevised
To get on TV you need to have killer connections or surrender all morality and dignity. Or, less redundantly, you need to be resourceful. Crushing up against the Times Square morning show broadcast windows only counts as being a televised shrub in a zud, think bigger.
Offer to polish Donald Trump’s pinky ring with personal adrenaline fluid while under lethal injection. Juggle burning kittens at a Tea Party rally. Hire a blind, autistic personal stylist, pump up your tattoos with some ’roids and an S&M fitness regime, have a double sex change, create a religion based on incontinence, unionize sperm donors, get busy and get famous!
Remember: the world’s your oyster, and you’re its saliva!
Sorry About That.
A Zud spokesman extended apologies to the residents of Mongolia, where the maiden launch of collaborative missile project with Raytheon went awry.“Obviously, this is a disappointing setback for our defense systems initiative, and a full investigation is underway to determine the cause. Ongoing talks with the Pentagon promise future interest in the program’s potential as a livestock deterrent.”
The affected residents of Mongolia, an 87 year old farmer and his wife, seven yaks, eleven sheep, nine goats and a dog refused evacuation for medical attention.
Through an interpreter, the farmer, who huddled nearby the burning wreckage remarked that “this is the warmest I’ve been in half a century.”
What’s a Zud?
Wikipedia tells us a zud is a bummer Mongolian winter where all the livestock starves.
Livestock have no stated preference for the sort of zud that causes their starvation.
Those who thankfully do not live in zud zones still have the cleaning product Zud. Which is apparently the tough answer to limp-wristed competitor Bon Ami, although this is sheer speculation.
What’s important is the monosyllabic perfection. Zud. Marketing gold. There are multinational plans and a rumored IPO launch. Frozen government and global warming be damned.
Cat Caught Skyping
Egad - a Maine Coon in Bangor, an Abyssinian from Albania, a calico in Rio, a Portugeuse Siamese—they’re everywhere! Pried his little paw off the mouse which he claimed was so named because it’s remnant human memory of implanted computer tech from alien cat scientists.Overheard them gloating “the feline mind invasion nears completion.”
Met with hostile silence trying to elicit more info. Threats useless—critter crapped in my slippers and went on a three-day hunger strike.
Odds are it’s just harmless delusions, but can I risk it?
Monsanto Invites You to Eat This
Here’s a nice, juicy, red-ripe tomato, fresh from the garden. 100% organic, nothing genetically altered or anything, really.
Nature occasionally does stuff like that on its own. Reminds you of a ____, doesn’t it?
And if it was genetically altered? By Monsanto?
You’d eat it?
But that’s stupid. Monsanto wouldn’t sell tomatoes looking like that. Maybe nature makes the occasional tomato with its ____ sticking out; Monsanto makes perfect genetic tomatoes...the ones we get to see, anyway.
So it’s odd that Monsanto is against genetic labeling—since nature, its competition, is so obviously prone to careless mistakes.
 | |
| Nature is imperfect; can Monsanto make that claim? |
And if it was genetically altered? By Monsanto?
You’d eat it?
But that’s stupid. Monsanto wouldn’t sell tomatoes looking like that. Maybe nature makes the occasional tomato with its ____ sticking out; Monsanto makes perfect genetic tomatoes...the ones we get to see, anyway.
So it’s odd that Monsanto is against genetic labeling—since nature, its competition, is so obviously prone to careless mistakes.
Einstein Was On About Bees, Too
Einstein fretted about frogs but he banged on about bees, too.
You’d think Al might have fixed his attention on why they supposedly can’t fly. How bee aerodynamics defy physics. You’d expect Einstein might have come up with a Special Theory on Bee Flight. No.
Albert studied global ecosystem determinants and narrowed down the harbinger of doom to when frogs and bees start disappearing. Which if you’ve been paying attention is happening.
Naturally, a worldwide initiative was immediately mounted to ignore this problem. It’s not like such information can be applied to anything useful, like blowing shit up.
So don’t try taking Einstein’s case of imminent biological collapse on account of defiantly airborne honey junky genocide to any serious business investors.
Bees equal empty stares.
 |
| Hives die—planet dies, what’s for supper? |
Albert studied global ecosystem determinants and narrowed down the harbinger of doom to when frogs and bees start disappearing. Which if you’ve been paying attention is happening.
Naturally, a worldwide initiative was immediately mounted to ignore this problem. It’s not like such information can be applied to anything useful, like blowing shit up.
So don’t try taking Einstein’s case of imminent biological collapse on account of defiantly airborne honey junky genocide to any serious business investors.
Bees equal empty stares.
Funnier in the New Yorker
That back-page cartoon caption contest has driven ninety-four professional cartoonists to suicide.
That’s high, even for professional cartoonists.
Hey, if cartoonists wanted to create something all by themselves that thousands of random armchair intellectuals couldn’t improve, they should’ve been rocket scientists or gymnasts or something.
If He’s So Smart How Come He’s Dead?
Bleeding Edge Balderdash
Never underestimate the value of fraudulent news
listeners have a predisposition to want true.
listeners have a predisposition to want true.
Not a Franchise That Worked Out
Groan Up Advice
Avoid taking advice about putting away childish things
from people who had obviously shitty childhoods.
from people who had obviously shitty childhoods.
That Word Game Thing Mensa Started
Take a word, switch a letter, make a new word. Or something like that.
 |
| Rutabago (n): Ethanol-fueled motor home. |
 |
| Umbecile (n): A pre-natal idiot. |
 |
| Flornication (n): What naughty birds and bees do. |
The Secret Life of Retail Ads
con•sum•er [kənˈsoōmər] noun
life form with eyes larger than its stomach, wallet and brain, yet unable to see its nose.
life form with eyes larger than its stomach, wallet and brain, yet unable to see its nose.
15th Century Gay Guys Set Heaven’s Dress Code.
If you're not okay with that good luck appealing to a higher authority.
Bears Shit in the Woods; Bulls Do It Anywhere
...and every once in awhile, there’s a market correction
involving orange jumpsuits.
involving orange jumpsuits.
Self Abuse is Your Own Business
...but apostrophe abuse won’t be tolerated.
They are not grammatical decoration. They aren’t arbitrary.
If you don’t know their from they’re, your from you’re or its from it’s,
return your keyboard to the box.
If you use apostrophes to make plurals, you will go to a tiny room in
hell where surly Russians will remove your fingernails and teeth with
garden implements. Be advised. It’s a serious matter.
They are not grammatical decoration. They aren’t arbitrary.
If you don’t know their from they’re, your from you’re or its from it’s,
return your keyboard to the box.
If you use apostrophes to make plurals, you will go to a tiny room in
hell where surly Russians will remove your fingernails and teeth with
garden implements. Be advised. It’s a serious matter.
Two Women I Like—One; Not So Much
Inspiring women, all. Complex, accomplished, determined.
All are a bit crazy but only one presumes it her privilege.
All are a bit crazy but only one presumes it her privilege.
The Lost Parenting Tips of Ayn Rand
“Objectivism” is a philosophy a two-year old can understand.It is in fact the essence of two-year old thought:
I want what I want.
Useless to argue, simple to understand.
Then there’s the tantrum—hard to ignore.
Screw 12 steps, Objectivism goes straight to bargaining and stops there. “You want it, I’ve got it, what’ve YOU got for ME?”
You have replaced noise with reason.
You have set your baby’s feet on the path to success and dominance.
This can be accomplished even before successful toilet training.
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