Who You Gonna Call?


It’s a spectacular feature of a relatively long life to have one of the first lessons ever taught come back and reassert itself, in the paper of record, in the form of endless blackboard penance, from the epitomized guise of authority which once inflicted it on me. No, “spectacular” is not the word for this documented daily diet of lies from the purported leader of the free world. More like spectral.

It’s like the final reel of “Ghostbusters” when the evil poltergeist is invading the ghostbusters’ minds to conjure their worst fear, so they all empty their thoughts except Aykroyd who brain-farts the Stay Puft marshmallow man— which then becomes a ten-story high marauding menace...THAT’S what having Trump as president is like.

“Super Secret Squirrel” Is a Real CIA Designation


Somewhere between “Top Secret” and the even more sensitive level of “Code Word” intel— (which is the kind Donald Trump just divulged to Russians in the White House in an effort to impress them)— there is actually a “Super Secret Squirrel” category of classified intelligence.

Whether you believe this or not is irrelevant. Any of it.

Adam Gopnik Translated


 Mr Gopnik deserves wider readership, so Biffs Notes is here to help with a handy, concise translation.

If you insist on the original or mislaid your sleep medication, go here but don’t say who sent you.

Reptile Brain Food

It’s no easy task converting a stubborn race to cold-blooded thinking, e.g., “I am, therefore fuck you.” Plans need to be carefully laid and recruitment is key. The stubborn predilection for “logic,” “facts” and “compassion” all eventually disappear through dedicated, reinforced messaging via flesh-eating, subhuman messengers of the apocalypse. Can’t thank the right-wing evangelicals enough for priming that pump. A shout-out too, to Roy Cohn, may he rest in peace as that upper East-side doyenne’s clutch purse.