You May Feel a Small Pinch

It’s nothing to worry about, it’s perfectly normal. Go about your day-to-day business, enjoy the bounties this life provides and give thanks for your blessings as a good citizen, parent, workingman.

Malcontents will always be among us and they will be dealt with. Your property and loved ones are our first concern.

Final Gerrymander

 Fun Facts:

• Russia is the biggest country in the world!
• Now it’s even bigger!
• The Russian language will not be mandatory in schools.
• Neither will anything but Jesus-approved lessons!
• You’re going to love all the new oil jobs in Siberia!
• Alec Baldwin is headed there on January 21st!

Oldie Goldie

Six years ago— how time flies when the full faith and trust of the richest
country in the world is up for plunder. What’s the ruble trading at?

If Rudyard Were a Trump Man

An astonishingly unexpected President was being inaugurated.
So many firsts were made with his election: age, religion, family background— and he had a poet at the podium with him.
Well, this time it ain’t Kennedy; both Robert Frost and Rudyard Kipling are gone, and what’s been forgotten of their legacies in the meanwhile makes civilization shudder.

(For the original of Kipling’s verse, go here.)

Hold ’im by the Heels and Smack Ass

The Founding Fathers could ill conceive either of this election’s choices.

For them, the tyrannical was freshly repudiated while women were naturally denied the manly tasks of statecraft. They’d flip their powdered wigs contemplating permission to resume the former in order to perpetuate the latter.

Men opine about the birth of a nation but empty their bowels at the actual prospect of birth itself. The electorate as midwife will God willing concede sanity as the way forward.

Huey Makes Another Appearance

he has a twin
named Cryee.

Their leadership 
skills are just 

I’m not kidding 

Their History

Headline could be a homonym typo, it happens a lot.

Fiction Left Speechless

You can’t legislate morality
and you can’t fix stupid
you can legislate stupid.

Donald Doubles Down on the Black Vote

Look, I get that I’m a rich white guy you should supposedly hate, I get that. And you probably believe the black guy now in the White House is an American, whatever. But are you better off? I’m just asking. I’m betting no.

Look, anybody can run for President like anyone can win at the crap table— although your odds are better with blackjack...see, there are lots of strategies for beating the odds when people know—they know—the odds are always with the House.

So right there are the facts; you know I’m telling you the truth, now we’re having a genuine conversation. People aren’t stupid. They know the game is rigged. Are they asking to change the rules? Sure. Do they want improved odds?— you bet. The point is, they’re in your wheelhouse where they’re asking and you’re telling. Once you’ve got them there, you can tell them practically anything.

Let me tell you a little bit about anger management. About troublemakers, drunks and deadbeats. This place is a magnet for them. They’d be street hustling or at their jobs which they hate with bosses they hate or at home beating their wives and kids if it weren’t for this joint, what we offer here. We offer refuge. We give them glamour and dazzle like they get nowhere else, we give them drinks and food and gorgeous women; we hold the promise of riches. What’s wrong with that? There’s nothing wrong with that.

People want to feel good about themselves, everybody wants to feel good about themself. They come in here, they like how they feel. Excited, maybe a little scared, but not bored. Never bored. I will never bore you.

I don’t know how I can spell this out any plainer. You people, you go to church— and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this— but you go to church and give away what little money you’ve got— for what? No chance of payback, of winning. None whatsoever. So when I say, “Come on over to what I’ve got going on here, what have you got to lose?” I really mean it.