Thus Maintaining WORSE EVER Status

Six years ago, the Senate passed a unanimous law.
You read that right— the most contentious, incompetent Congress in modern history actually unanimously passed The Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act (H.R. 1084/S. 2847).

Of course nothing changed, as any late-night cable viewer knows, having been jolted awake by some ad blasting louder than D-Day at Normandy.

That’s because they made it unenforceable.

Sponsor Opportunity

Thinking Utz, the
first chip maker
in America!

Next to Zud, Utz
is the best product
name ever.

The lines are

Morbid Streak of Curiosity

When Women Ruled the Earth

Dr. Leonard Shlain was a surgeon who wrote weird, wonderful books that theorized about practically everything (but not that much at all about medicine). How stuff got the way it is interested him and he was boldly original in the way he interwove conceptual comparatives few others considered.

His book “The Alphabet Versus the Goddess” for instance, makes a damn interesting case for why patriarchal dominance came about. Women in prehistory were shamans and leaders (their buried remains outnumber males at Stonehenge where recent digs indicate it was a burial site for the highest status individuals). The nuanced female expertise in identifying healing herbs and edible vs. poisonous plants came from their immunity to color-blindness and their naturally acute visual processing. There was that intuition thing too, which was phenomenally good at abstract problem solving.

Then written language came along and prejudicially re-wired our brains to linear, sequenced thinking. The holistic, visual “right brain” got suppressed and relegated to second class citizenship. The status of women went south as a new male priest class went nuts destroying remnant effigies of women as anything other than subservient baby-makers. Shlain goes into fascinating depth and detail on culture, language and sexual nature you’ll never see anywhere else. I don’t want to spoil the ending, but trust me, it’s not all glum.

Below is a page of note-taking that evidences why I have natural predisposition to Dr. Shlain’s message.

Back Due to No Demand Whatsoever

The Ugly American abroad is so over.
The vacationing American disowning the stateside Ugly American is trending heavily.

Well, That’s a Relief.

*Sigh*— it’s getting more and more dire for the Duck Dynasty crowd, suffering the ignominious takedown of conservative titan Ailes and then  Donald’s GOP Convention speech being either slept through or hoisted to new heights of petardification.

But there is some light on the horizon: Benjamin Moore just announced that the color of the year (a.k.a. “the new black”)— is white.

Season of the Witch Hunt

Mad that Bridgegate ruined his Prez plans and madder still his grovelling didn’t win the VP pick.
Trump tsks. “Just like your bypass surgery, Chris— necessary, but regardless you’re still fat.”

“Grrr,” says the Governor. “I know who’s to blame.”

Despicable Journalism

Well, she’s been properly Rogered now.

Named After the Aircraft Possibly

Wrongly diagnosed ADHD, mildly autistic and myopic at an early age, Huey managed his private mental affairs with more than the usual pluck.

Fatal Fish Tale

In one vivid eternal split-second, Del realized his life-long quest for the perfect lure, a moment from his secret trout stream’s turn-off.

Too Big For Your Breaches

Nerd up with a very interesting Wired story on pw “hashing.”

The guy who singlehandedly revolutionized the quenchless need for human contact and unleashed its universally inept expression has been hacked on at least three sites because while he can write gajillions of lines of unique code, he apparently likes to use the same password for everything, just like you. 

Not Just Morally Reprehensible But

“Try pulling that with Obama, go ahead and see if you aren’t labeled a racist— but this isn’t racism, this crap is okay, right?”

“Racism bothers you?”

“No— YES!— Reverse racism!”

“But inter-species racism you’re okay with?”

“If they’re Mexican, hell yes.”

“It’s a Mexican orangutan.”

A Message From Chairman Ailes

Republicans are better housekeepers and have all the money; these facts alone account for 97% of Republican voters. But there’s so much more.
Amazing and Arousing America as they Recline
Take Ted Cruz, a study in mannered precision. In Mr. Cruz we have a polished, disciplined candidate, creepy yet curiously twinkly-eyed in a studied Ronald Reagan way, once you get past the fact he talks through a beak and is an undocumented Latin-Canadian cannibal. But poised? Camera ready?—Mr. Cruz hypnotically compels television interviewers to gape in adoration for the preening impervious vacuity that is the shared currency of TV hosts and charismatic politicians alike. It’s ratings elixir. It’s the quality talent you’ve learned to expect.

Here we give a moment’s  thanks for the original Reagan Celebrity Presidency which paved the way for our advanced era’s fact-free, supplicant-journalist infotainment. Behold as Mr. Cruz beams out his crinoline-crisp anecdotes, bald lies and Christian carpet-bomb threats, inspiring viewers to raise high their fiery swords of vengeance and grip vomit bags with both hands.

And then there’s Mr. Trump, for whom the jut, strut and eyeshadow are just the tip of whatever that is on top of his head. His gift for oratory makes the Sopranos sound erudite and shatters all doubt of who’s large and in charge, amiright? His pouty pique and fetish retribution rants cause spontaneous arm erections unseen since the Third Reich, sending squeamish party hacks into gibbering frenzies. For the longest sustained high-wire act of sheer, no-limits, empty rhetoric and off-the-charts rolling spleen, no one does it better than the Donald.

Leaving us with the two sad Democrats contesting their yawn-points in debates off in a ghetto parking lot somewhere. Carping at each others’ kumbaya credentials and still banging on about government governing instead of obeying their paymasters, haha. Like this country wouldn’t be enjoying eight years of sustained recovery from apocalypse without the steely obstruction of a handsomely compensated Republican Congress? Like without the buy-in of fail-proofed capitalist titans you wouldn’t all be in soup lines? Because they can do it, you know. They’ve socked away enough loot to wait out ten elections and they’ve seen to it the tap is damn well stuck that way.

So, what’s it going to be, America? Republicans have brought you the spiciest non-stop thrill ride  politics have ever seen. You can’t wait to tune in, can’t wait to see what happens next, can’t stop jumping up and down yelling at your screens. This three-and-a-half year-long election cycle is not just proof of our job-creating prowess, it’s must-see viewing, and you know the Republican characters have been hands-down the most entertaining, hilarious and unpredictable. Spoiler alert—elect one and we’ll guarantee a season of escalated insanity that’ll make the past few years look like a tupperware party.

You can vote for our over-the top talent or buy into the ridiculous fantasy that viewers like you have any remote power—well, apart from that remote stuck in your paw, haha. If you want to keep the entertainment flowing and the thrills coming, keep up your cable payments and make the right choice. Or just stay home.

Privateering National Parks: Yes, They Can

Teddy Roosevelt established the National Park system and wouldn’t be amused.
A group of 20 senators and representatives has formed a de facto “anti-parks caucus” in Congress and is waging the most significant legislative and ideological challenge to America’s national parks in decades, says a new report released Monday by the Center for American Progress. The analysis finds that this anti-parks caucus is composed of less than five percent of Congress but is responsible for introducing dozens of bills to block the creation of new national parks, end America’s most effective parks program, and sell off public lands.”

“Thanks to support from the Koch-backed American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC) and front groups for the oil industry’s PR giant, Richard Berman, as well as increasing lobbying by the Utah-based American Lands Council, these proposals have now gained prominence at the national level.”