A Message From Chairman Ailes

Republicans are better housekeepers and have all the money; these facts alone account for 97% of Republican voters. But there’s so much more.
Amazing and Arousing America as they Recline
Take Ted Cruz, a study in mannered precision. In Mr. Cruz we have a polished, disciplined candidate, creepy yet curiously twinkly-eyed in a studied Ronald Reagan way, once you get past the fact he talks through a beak and is an undocumented Latin-Canadian cannibal. But poised? Camera ready?—Mr. Cruz hypnotically compels television interviewers to gape in adoration for the preening impervious vacuity that is the shared currency of TV hosts and charismatic politicians alike. It’s ratings elixir. It’s the quality talent you’ve learned to expect.

Here we give a moment’s  thanks for the original Reagan Celebrity Presidency which paved the way for our advanced era’s fact-free, supplicant-journalist infotainment. Behold as Mr. Cruz beams out his crinoline-crisp anecdotes, bald lies and Christian carpet-bomb threats, inspiring viewers to raise high their fiery swords of vengeance and grip vomit bags with both hands.

And then there’s Mr. Trump, for whom the jut, strut and eyeshadow are just the tip of whatever that is on top of his head. His gift for oratory makes the Sopranos sound erudite and shatters all doubt of who’s large and in charge, amiright? His pouty pique and fetish retribution rants cause spontaneous arm erections unseen since the Third Reich, sending squeamish party hacks into gibbering frenzies. For the longest sustained high-wire act of sheer, no-limits, empty rhetoric and off-the-charts rolling spleen, no one does it better than the Donald.

Leaving us with the two sad Democrats contesting their yawn-points in debates off in a ghetto parking lot somewhere. Carping at each others’ kumbaya credentials and still banging on about government governing instead of obeying their paymasters, haha. Like this country wouldn’t be enjoying eight years of sustained recovery from apocalypse without the steely obstruction of a handsomely compensated Republican Congress? Like without the buy-in of fail-proofed capitalist titans you wouldn’t all be in soup lines? Because they can do it, you know. They’ve socked away enough loot to wait out ten elections and they’ve seen to it the tap is damn well stuck that way.

So, what’s it going to be, America? Republicans have brought you the spiciest non-stop thrill ride  politics have ever seen. You can’t wait to tune in, can’t wait to see what happens next, can’t stop jumping up and down yelling at your screens. This three-and-a-half year-long election cycle is not just proof of our job-creating prowess, it’s must-see viewing, and you know the Republican characters have been hands-down the most entertaining, hilarious and unpredictable. Spoiler alert—elect one and we’ll guarantee a season of escalated insanity that’ll make the past few years look like a tupperware party.

You can vote for our over-the top talent or buy into the ridiculous fantasy that viewers like you have any remote power—well, apart from that remote stuck in your paw, haha. If you want to keep the entertainment flowing and the thrills coming, keep up your cable payments and make the right choice. Or just stay home.

Privateering National Parks: Yes, They Can

Teddy Roosevelt established the National Park system and wouldn’t be amused.
A group of 20 senators and representatives has formed a de facto “anti-parks caucus” in Congress and is waging the most significant legislative and ideological challenge to America’s national parks in decades, says a new report released Monday by the Center for American Progress. The analysis finds that this anti-parks caucus is composed of less than five percent of Congress but is responsible for introducing dozens of bills to block the creation of new national parks, end America’s most effective parks program, and sell off public lands.”

“Thanks to support from the Koch-backed American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC) and front groups for the oil industry’s PR giant, Richard Berman, as well as increasing lobbying by the Utah-based American Lands Council, these proposals have now gained prominence at the national level.”

There’s Also Drowning. Have You Tried Drowning?

January 21, 2016

Picking Trump or Cruz like “being shot or poisoned,” Lindsey Graham says


New Words for the New Normal Vol.3

New! Improved!

New Year’s is a good time to be thankful. A sage once said “an attitude of gratefulness purges maladies”— or was it was mallomars? That’d be bad. Concentrate.
    • Here’s to the internet, a universe of ever-expanding wonders unless Comcast gets its way.
    • Here’s to beaming children who do stuff we wish we still could and make us wonder why the hell not.
    • Here’s to the buzzed, who shall entertain us and to the sober who shall drive us home.
    • Here’s to those lost or in harm’s way; may paths be lit for them.
    • Here’s to the severe— to those who’ve earned the rank earnestly.
    • Here’s to the chastened, the learned, the waking dreamers. 
    • Here’s to nature; there exists no more noble or decorated evidence of God.

    Here’s to the relentless, reckless monkeyshines of love.

    Playing at a Voting Booth Near You

    (For the Yiddish-impaired: Mensch means human, in a
    sort of Jedi way.)

    The Star Wars franchise actually became the Empire for awhile and it sucked.

    Listen, the Dark Side gets a cut of the gross no matter what, but even they have to admit something sucks when business sucks.

    Good guys who never give in, never sell out and have an actual working shit detector came in and saved the day again.

    Sure, it’s only the movies, but what a story.

    Available as Mugs, Comforters and Tea Cozies

    “Just Right for the Holiday Season!” says Team Cruz