“Super Secret Squirrel” Is a Real CIA Designation

Somewhere between “Top Secret” and the even more sensitive level of “Code Word” intel— (which is the kind Donald Trump just divulged to Russians in the White House in an effort to impress them)— there is actually a “Super Secret Squirrel” category of classified intelligence.

Whether you believe this or not is irrelevant. Any of it.

Adam Gopnik Translated

 Mr Gopnik deserves wider readership, so Biffs Notes is here to help with a handy, concise translation.

If you insist on the original or mislaid your sleep medication, go here but don’t say who sent you.

Reptile Brain Food

It’s no easy task converting a stubborn race to cold-blooded thinking, e.g., “I am, therefore fuck you.” Plans need to be carefully laid and recruitment is key. The stubborn predilection for “logic,” “facts” and “compassion” all eventually disappear through dedicated, reinforced messaging via flesh-eating, subhuman messengers of the apocalypse. Can’t thank the right-wing evangelicals enough for priming that pump. A shout-out too, to Roy Cohn, may he rest in peace as that upper East-side doyenne’s clutch purse.

Subtext Generator

Very cool new software!

Works with most scanners; enter the publication name, date and author (if available), then scan document and multi-pass spectral/ flouroscope analyses reveal the subtext.

Four Year Term in the Desert

Make no mistake, Jesus is spellbound. Forty days is a long time to hang out. But there is abroad a transaction—a negotiation, and these things take time. Jesus declines all but the simplest amenities from his host, he is judiciously polite, boundlessly inquisitive and returns flattery with flattery, jibe for jibe, and laughs uproariously at the best of the dark teacher’s jokes. 

But as time passes and they take one another’s measure, there departs from their relationship a thread of civility. What Jesus declines from his host is taken as an affront and the dark teacher unravels ruses of unvarnished hostility, deceit and degradation to express his rage at his failed seduction. What burns deep and hot in the dark teacher’s realm is a faint glow compared to the flame Jesus has nurtured in his heart. 

He rejects succor from the dark teacher and waits out dawn after dawn, suffering pain, loneliness, doubt and despair and accords to these their share of power in tears, and his tears release him.

Catch That and Paint It Green

Forget Bathrobes—This is Oval Office Attire

If you miss the alt-news from the alt-right, wait three minutes and Scrot - POTUS will put it in a tweet for you!

One of those phony news outlets lists them here.

Mitch Message

The best position for easy eliminations is squatting— like when you crap in the woods... thought those were quick because you had to go so bad?— you never a deuce THIS bad.

(A helpful video link is provided.)

Venngeance Diagram

The really
useful bit’s
the center.

But we’re
prone to chew
around the edges.

Somebody Break His Thumbs?

It’s not as if we were stuck with some antiquated custom compelling us to coronate the addled git-spawn of royal hillbillies, and it isn’t like Trump pretended being anything other than the smug, racist swindler he is— it’s that a vast, twitchy swath of the country staked their lives on the flatulent whims of that meat stub. Deliberately.

The nation’s now a half-conscious cartoon swarmed by his addled tweets, each shrieking with peurile petulance and the ripening potential of nuclear Armageddon.

We hitched our wagon to a deranged twittering lunatic and we are so screwed.

Also, Whenever His Mouth Moves

If Munch Only Knew

Say goodbye to ill-defined angst, free-floating anxiety and random panic attacks; say hello to a chronically specific, full-on, 24/7/365 nightmare of infantile rage, vindictiveness and poop flinging.

Go ahead and scream, but dial your Congressperson first, so you can share.