A Message From Chairman Ailes

Republicans are better housekeepers and have all the money; these facts alone account for 97% of Republican voters. But there’s so much more.
Amazing and Arousing America as they Recline
Take Ted Cruz, a study in mannered precision. In Mr. Cruz we have a polished, disciplined candidate, creepy yet curiously twinkly-eyed in a studied Ronald Reagan way, once you get past the fact he talks through a beak and is an undocumented Latin-Canadian cannibal. But poised? Camera ready?—Mr. Cruz hypnotically compels television interviewers to gape in adoration for the preening impervious vacuity that is the shared currency of TV hosts and charismatic politicians alike. It’s ratings elixir. It’s the quality talent you’ve learned to expect.

Here we give a moment’s  thanks for the original Reagan Celebrity Presidency which paved the way for our advanced era’s fact-free, supplicant-journalist infotainment. Behold as Mr. Cruz beams out his crinoline-crisp anecdotes, bald lies and Christian carpet-bomb threats, inspiring viewers to raise high their fiery swords of vengeance and grip vomit bags with both hands.

And then there’s Mr. Trump, for whom the jut, strut and eyeshadow are just the tip of whatever that is on top of his head. His gift for oratory makes the Sopranos sound erudite and shatters all doubt of who’s large and in charge, amiright? His pouty pique and fetish retribution rants cause spontaneous arm erections unseen since the Third Reich, sending squeamish party hacks into gibbering frenzies. For the longest sustained high-wire act of sheer, no-limits, empty rhetoric and off-the-charts rolling spleen, no one does it better than the Donald.

Leaving us with the two sad Democrats contesting their yawn-points in debates off in a ghetto parking lot somewhere. Carping at each others’ kumbaya credentials and still banging on about government governing instead of obeying their paymasters, haha. Like this country wouldn’t be enjoying eight years of sustained recovery from apocalypse without the steely obstruction of a handsomely compensated Republican Congress? Like without the buy-in of fail-proofed capitalist titans you wouldn’t all be in soup lines? Because they can do it, you know. They’ve socked away enough loot to wait out ten elections and they’ve seen to it the tap is damn well stuck that way.

So, what’s it going to be, America? Republicans have brought you the spiciest non-stop thrill ride  politics have ever seen. You can’t wait to tune in, can’t wait to see what happens next, can’t stop jumping up and down yelling at your screens. This three-and-a-half year-long election cycle is not just proof of our job-creating prowess, it’s must-see viewing, and you know the Republican characters have been hands-down the most entertaining, hilarious and unpredictable. Spoiler alert—elect one and we’ll guarantee a season of escalated insanity that’ll make the past few years look like a tupperware party.

You can vote for our over-the top talent or buy into the ridiculous fantasy that viewers like you have any remote power—well, apart from that remote stuck in your paw, haha. If you want to keep the entertainment flowing and the thrills coming, keep up your cable payments and make the right choice. Or just stay home.

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