Final Gerrymander

 Fun Facts:

• Russia is the biggest country in the world!
• Now it’s even bigger!
• The Russian language will not be mandatory in schools.
• Neither will anything but Jesus-approved lessons!
• You’re going to love all the new oil jobs in Siberia!
• Alec Baldwin is headed there on January 21st!

Oldie Goldie

Six years ago— how time flies when the full faith and trust of the richest
country in the world is up for plunder. What’s the ruble trading at?

If Rudyard Were a Trump Man

An astonishingly unexpected President was being inaugurated.
So many firsts were made with his election: age, religion, family background— and he had a poet at the podium with him.
Well, this time it ain’t Kennedy; both Robert Frost and Rudyard Kipling are gone, and what’s been forgotten of their legacies in the meanwhile makes civilization shudder.

(For the original of Kipling’s verse, go here.)

Hold ’im by the Heels and Smack Ass

The Founding Fathers could ill conceive either of this election’s choices.

For them, the tyrannical was freshly repudiated while women were naturally denied the manly tasks of statecraft. They’d flip their powdered wigs contemplating permission to resume the former in order to perpetuate the latter.

Men opine about the birth of a nation but empty their bowels at the actual prospect of birth itself. The electorate as midwife will God willing concede sanity as the way forward.

Huey Makes Another Appearance

he has a twin
named Cryee.

Their leadership 
skills are just 

I’m not kidding 

Their History

Headline could be a homonym typo, it happens a lot.

Fiction Left Speechless

You can’t legislate morality
and you can’t fix stupid
you can legislate stupid.

Donald Doubles Down on the Black Vote

Look, I get that I’m a rich white guy you should supposedly hate, I get that. And you probably believe the black guy now in the White House is an American, whatever. But are you better off? I’m just asking. I’m betting no.

Look, anybody can run for President like anyone can win at the crap table— although your odds are better with blackjack...see, there are lots of strategies for beating the odds when people know—they know—the odds are always with the House.

So right there are the facts; you know I’m telling you the truth, now we’re having a genuine conversation. People aren’t stupid. They know the game is rigged. Are they asking to change the rules? Sure. Do they want improved odds?— you bet. The point is, they’re in your wheelhouse where they’re asking and you’re telling. Once you’ve got them there, you can tell them practically anything.

Let me tell you a little bit about anger management. About troublemakers, drunks and deadbeats. This place is a magnet for them. They’d be street hustling or at their jobs which they hate with bosses they hate or at home beating their wives and kids if it weren’t for this joint, what we offer here. We offer refuge. We give them glamour and dazzle like they get nowhere else, we give them drinks and food and gorgeous women; we hold the promise of riches. What’s wrong with that? There’s nothing wrong with that.

People want to feel good about themselves, everybody wants to feel good about themself. They come in here, they like how they feel. Excited, maybe a little scared, but not bored. Never bored. I will never bore you.

I don’t know how I can spell this out any plainer. You people, you go to church— and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this— but you go to church and give away what little money you’ve got— for what? No chance of payback, of winning. None whatsoever. So when I say, “Come on over to what I’ve got going on here, what have you got to lose?” I really mean it.

Thus Maintaining WORSE EVER Status

Six years ago, the Senate passed a unanimous law.
You read that right— the most contentious, incompetent Congress in modern history actually unanimously passed The Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act (H.R. 1084/S. 2847).

Of course nothing changed, as any late-night cable viewer knows, having been jolted awake by some ad blasting louder than D-Day at Normandy.

That’s because they made it unenforceable.

Sponsor Opportunity

Thinking Utz, the
first chip maker
in America!

Next to Zud, Utz
is the best product
name ever.

The lines are

Morbid Streak of Curiosity

When Women Ruled the Earth

Dr. Leonard Shlain was a surgeon who wrote weird, wonderful books that theorized about practically everything (but not that much at all about medicine). How stuff got the way it is interested him and he was boldly original in the way he interwove conceptual comparatives few others considered.

His book “The Alphabet Versus the Goddess” for instance, makes a damn interesting case for why patriarchal dominance came about. Women in prehistory were shamans and leaders (their buried remains outnumber males at Stonehenge where recent digs indicate it was a burial site for the highest status individuals). The nuanced female expertise in identifying healing herbs and edible vs. poisonous plants came from their immunity to color-blindness and their naturally acute visual processing. There was that intuition thing too, which was phenomenally good at abstract problem solving.

Then written language came along and prejudicially re-wired our brains to linear, sequenced thinking. The holistic, visual “right brain” got suppressed and relegated to second class citizenship. The status of women went south as a new male priest class went nuts destroying remnant effigies of women as anything other than subservient baby-makers. Shlain goes into fascinating depth and detail on culture, language and sexual nature you’ll never see anywhere else. I don’t want to spoil the ending, but trust me, it’s not all glum.

Below is a page of note-taking that evidences why I have natural predisposition to Dr. Shlain’s message.

Back Due to No Demand Whatsoever

The Ugly American abroad is so over.
The vacationing American disowning the stateside Ugly American is trending heavily.

Well, That’s a Relief.

*Sigh*— it’s getting more and more dire for the Duck Dynasty crowd, suffering the ignominious takedown of conservative titan Ailes and then  Donald’s GOP Convention speech being either slept through or hoisted to new heights of petardification.

But there is some light on the horizon: Benjamin Moore just announced that the color of the year (a.k.a. “the new black”)— is white.

Season of the Witch Hunt

Mad that Bridgegate ruined his Prez plans and madder still his grovelling didn’t win the VP pick.
Trump tsks. “Just like your bypass surgery, Chris— necessary, but regardless you’re still fat.”

“Grrr,” says the Governor. “I know who’s to blame.”

Despicable Journalism

Well, she’s been properly Rogered now.

Named After the Aircraft Possibly

Wrongly diagnosed ADHD, mildly autistic and myopic at an early age, Huey managed his private mental affairs with more than the usual pluck.

Fatal Fish Tale

In one vivid eternal split-second, Del realized his life-long quest for the perfect lure, a moment from his secret trout stream’s turn-off.

Too Big For Your Breaches

Nerd up with a very interesting Wired story on pw “hashing.”

The guy who singlehandedly revolutionized the quenchless need for human contact and unleashed its universally inept expression has been hacked on at least three sites because while he can write gajillions of lines of unique code, he apparently likes to use the same password for everything, just like you. 

Not Just Morally Reprehensible But

“Try pulling that with Obama, go ahead and see if you aren’t labeled a racist— but this isn’t racism, this crap is okay, right?”

“Racism bothers you?”

“No— YES!— Reverse racism!”

“But inter-species racism you’re okay with?”

“If they’re Mexican, hell yes.”

“It’s a Mexican orangutan.”